Burn-out
The Necessary Evil
Man. As I graduate, I realize how messed up this entire ‘american university culture’ has affected my mental. Part of it is satifying; the endless all-nighter, the companionship, the general suffering, the triumph of surviving an extra day.
I can’t lie. I did learn a lot from the constant struggle. You might say I could have decided to have an ‘easier time’, but that’s not how this works. Competiteveness in the marketplace, considering how good your resume will look from your first year. It’s impossible not to consider those in mind. 4 years. 8 semesters. 4 summers. Every possible break is an opportunity to add something new. Every semester is a chance to build your teaching and research experience. A full semester of courses is around 50 hours/week. To be able to afford my daily coffees (just 6, not that much), I need to work 20h/week as a course assistant. Unfortunately, this is not enough, you have to consider an extra 10 hours/week of research, readings, self-learning.
The equation adds up to a healthy 80h/week. Basically, a very reasonable amount of hours for a 20 years old to function. This work expectation while trying to keep a semblant of socializing in your daily schedule. Sleep becomes fourth on the priority list. Most of my early years, I would sleep on campus to save on money and time. Precious seconds. To be fair, a minute is enough to make a difference between you submitting on time or getting a 25% grade penalty.
How sustainable is this lifestyle? Spoiler alert. Not very. My semesters have been ups and downs, and I’d like to think it’s not necessarily just because of my diagnosis -which I might talk about in future posts. You can be high-achieving and suffer the ultimate demise of burn-out. All of a sudden, the passion that made me survive all this over-working could not be found anymore. It’s like ‘what’s the point anymore?’. Research I focused on for two years just seems like I wouldn’t dare to poke it with 10 meters stick.. and when there’s no passion, motivation dies down.
‘You should find the motivation yourself, it does not appear magically.’ Fair, but also too simplistic. I think, as most people who chose computer science as their field, there is this collective interest and fascination with the subject. The usual ‘look it works!!!’ deal. When you lose this interest and fascination, you’re just left with confusion. And it’s not like taking a break is an option. Remember, it’s about consistency, not understanding. You get overwhelmed by 1001 assignments every week. Acing exams? Doesn’t matter. You missed that one lab, 2 months ago. You are ‘objectively’ inferior.
American education. After four years, you’d think I would have gotten used to it. However, I’m at a point in life where any path that lets me run away from it, I will take. I need a break. Am I proud of the resume I built along the way? Yea, it’s pretty decent. Do I think it’s worth? Tough one. It (hopefully) allows me to be competitive enough to better universities, better funding, better future[?]. Did my mental take a hit that I will never recover from? Yup. Price of learning, sure.
On a happier note, I did learn: Don’t do more than 60 hours/week. Prioritize sleep over socializing. I need me my 8 hours and I shall never change that.